Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
I’ve said, and cannot emphasize enough, how important mental attitude has been in my recent weight-loss attempt. I feel as if this mental attitude has given me a sort of “Spidey-sense” when it comes to interpreting how successful I’ll think someone else will be in his or her attempt. I’m around a lot of people who want to lose weight and get in shape, yet, I can somewhat tell who’s going to stick with it and who’s just in that vague state of “not-quite-ready” to commit. I’d like to try to encourage those who want to lose, but are not yet in the frame of mind to change. I think back to what would have encouraged me or what someone could have done to start me on the journey to a healthier life. And I come up with one, simple answer:
Nothing.
I know that’s not a very satisfying answer, but I’ll elaborate and maybe we can come up with a way to help those who are “on the fence.”
First of all, let’s state the obvious. When I was obese (clinically, now I am merely “overweight”) there was an elephant in the room…and it was me. Seriously, no one likes to discuss people’s weights. It’s impolite and among the things that civilized people do not discuss with one another to their faces. It’s unfortunate, because, rather than sweeping the issue under the rug, I think we should have a more open dialog about obesity and what we can do to combat it. But the reality is that a fat person knows they are fat. We don’t have to tell them. I knew I was, even though no one would tell me to my face. Telling me or chastising me about what I was eating or how much I was eating would only have caused me to feel more shame when I was already feeling ashamed. And that would have driven me to the remedy of doing what? Eating more.
I also knew that I should lose some weight. When I was 32, I was diagnosed with gout, it’s an affliction of the joints that causes outbreaks of severe pain due to a build-up of crystals in my blood. My doctor told me that I could improve my health and cut down on the outbreaks if I lost a significant amount of weight. That was 12 years ago and I’m just getting around to it. If a trained medical professional, whose job is to get people healthy tells me to lose weight and get in shape and I don’t do it, what are the chances that some other person is going to be able to influence me to change?
The trouble is that when we try to encourage others to be healthy and change their lifestyle we walk a fine line between being caring and being overbearing. I will tell you this, if someone HAD told me I was eating too much or that I needed to change, I would not have gotten mad at them. I am a somewhat rational person and I would have realized that they were stating the obvious, but I would have gotten mad at MYSELF. And I think that when people do lash out at others for trying to get them to change, it’s because deep down inside, they are angry with themselves for letting it get out of hand with their weight.
So, what can we do? Well, like I said, I’ve gotten kind of a “Spidey-sense.” Now this sense has come about through trial and error with my attempts to encourage people at work. I know that, at times, I’ve been, and still can be, overbearing in my encouragement. I’ve learned to sense who is going to keep that fire lit and who’s just going to ignore me. So, I try to encourage those who I think will benefit from encouragement and leave alone those who don’t seem to want to try at this point.
And just to clarify, I’m not going up to random people who are overweight and saying “hey, you need to lose a few pounds.” No, I only discuss these kinds of things with people who say to me something like “I see you are having success, I’d like to lose weight. How do you do it? What can I do?” In other words, people who claim to want to change and lose weight. Now, of this group, I can tell that there are those who are serious, those who are “on the fence” and those who are nowhere near the right frame of mind. Unfortunately, if they are nowhere near the right frame of mind, there’s not much I can do to encourage them. They are not going to try. They are going to come up with excuse after excuse as to why they can’t exercise. They’ll rationalize every sweet or snack they put into their mouths as something that “won’t hurt because it’s just a small thing” even though they do it 20 times a day. How do I know they’ll do this?… well, obviously you haven’t learned the name of my blog yet. (Oh right! DUH!)
Okay, there is this one person at work who I think is really making a good effort. I think she’s finally in the right frame of mind and she’s going to be successful. She is starting to be very consistent and learning to make the right choices. All she needs is a little push from time to time to see if she’s going to the gym or walking at the track. I can see the determination forming in her and that she wants to be successful. I’m not really worried about her because I think it’s almost to the point where I don’t have to push her. It’ll get done because she WANTS it to get done. And that’s where everyone should be. We should all be at the point where we are doing it not because someone else wants us to, but because WE want to do it for ourselves. All the external encouragement won’t do any good unless we have internal encouragement.
So, how do we help those who are “on the fence.” Right now, the way I try to do it is by setting a good example. I try to be consistent at work and at home. When someone at work tries to rationalize something, I point out that they’re just making an excuse and try to give her a healthier alternative. For example, a friend of mine reaches for the chocolate when stressed out. She associates stress with eating (something I think we can all relate to). However, I said, in that case, why not replace it with a healthier alternative? She likes grapes, so I said, bring grapes to work and when you get stressed, reach for those.
I don’t know if you’d want to do this, but it’s an approach I’ve tried. I’ve just gone straight up to someone and said this “Look, I know you have told me you wanted help losing weight, if you’re serious, I can help you. But it’s something YOU have to want and you have to be consistent. If you need me, I’ll be here to help, but I can’t change you. Only you can do that.” (In fact, I told someone that just today.)
A New Hope
One of the things that got me down about my weight loss is that it seemed so overwhelming. It seemed like an enormous task that was never going to get done. I had to change that thinking into “yes, it can be done.” I saw other people who were doing it. I was jealous of them and that finally got me to switch over. So, if you are trying to encourage someone to change, the biggest thing you can do for them is give them the hope that they CAN change. Show them examples (again YouTube is awesome for showing weight-loss success stories). I watch Biggest Loser every week and cry every time because I see these people changing their lives and I know they feel better about themselves because I know that feeling now too! We need to kindle that flame of hope inside those who want to change.
In the end, the best we can do is tell someone, “You can do it. I know you can. You just need to try and I’m here to help you if you want it.” If they are sincere in their desire, they’ll make an effort. But if they are not mentally ready, there’s nothing more we can do to help them at this point-- except wait for them to get into the right frame of mind.
Changing the subject
I had a really depressing thought today. I was looking at a picture of myself from when I was about 14 years old. Back then I was playing tennis 6 hours a day EVERY day. I was slender and in excellent shape. I actually had a defined body form that looked athletic. And of course, I thought to myself “wow, look how slender and in shape I looked back then.” But that’s not what made me sad. No, what made me sad was that I thought about some of the kids at the elementary school where I work. A significant portion of them are what we’d consider morbidly obese, including a few kindergartners. What made me sad was the thought that, unless something changes, these kids won’t even have a picture to look back on to say “look how in shape I was then” and that being obese is all they’ll ever know. It upsets me to realize that these kids are already there when I was already in college before I was a guy who’s been there…
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